THIS AGREEMENT (the "Agreement") is entered into by and between
JAMES ELIAS PHELPS, hereinafter "the Driver," "the Chauffeur,"
or "Captain," and each undersigned individual, hereinafter
"the Passenger". WHEREAS, the Passenger has voluntarily,
enthusiastically, and perhaps unwisely elected to ride in a
motor vehicle operated by the Driver; and WHEREAS, the Passenger
acknowledges that the Driver is a human being and not a Formula
One professional, a licensed stunt coordinator, or a wizard;
NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the ride, the vibes, and
the possibility of snacks, the Passenger agrees to the following terms.
ARTICLE I — COVERED EVENTS
The Passenger knowingly assumes all risk of, and waives any and
all rights, claims, and causes of action arising from, any of the
following (each, a "Covered Event"). The Passenger shall initial
beside each to confirm they have read it and, more importantly,
have accepted it.
ARTICLE II — WAIVER AND RELEASE
The Passenger hereby fully and forever releases, waives, and
discharges the Driver from any and all liability, claims,
demands, and causes of action of any kind, known or unknown,
foreseen or unforeseeable, arising out of or relating to the
Covered Events, including injury, property damage, emotional
distress, hurt feelings, loss of snacks, and "the whole thing
being a lot."
ARTICLE III — COVENANT NOT TO SUE
The Passenger solemnly agrees that they will not sue James
Elias Phelps under any circumstances. "Any circumstances"
includes, without limitation: in this lifetime or any subsequent
lifetime; in state, federal, small-claims, or televised court;
before any judge, jury, or arbitrator, real or imagined; in the
court of public opinion; and by means of strongly worded letters,
passive-aggressive group chat messages, or one-star reviews.
This covenant binds the Passenger's heirs, assigns, siblings,
and any lawyer-cousin who "just happens to know a guy."
ARTICLE IV — DRIVER'S DISCRETION
The Passenger acknowledges that the Driver retains sole
authority over the music, the temperature, the route, the pace,
and the definition of "almost there." The Passenger waives the
right to ask "Are we there yet?" more than once per hour, and
agrees that the Driver's navigation is "a journey, not a
destination." Shotgun is awarded by the Driver, and the Driver's
decision is final and not subject to appeal.
ARTICLE V — MISCELLANEOUS
Severability. If any part of this Agreement is found
unenforceable, the remainder shall survive, the same way the
Passenger hopes to. Governing Law. This Agreement is governed
by the laws of the State of Utah and, where those fail, the laws
of physics. Entire Agreement. This document supersedes all prior
oral promises, including "I'll drive carefully." Counterparts.
This Agreement may be signed in multiple counterparts, and in
multiple moods.
ACKNOWLEDGMENT. BY SIGNING BELOW, THE PASSENGER CERTIFIES THAT
THEY HAVE READ THIS AGREEMENT, UNDERSTOOD APPROXIMATELY 60% OF IT,
AND ARE SIGNING OF THEIR OWN FREE WILL, WHICH IS TOTALLY FINE
AND NORMAL.
